Ep. 7 Career & Family – Navigating Life’s Unknowns By Choice

Intro

It’s why there is so little support for women and families in this country, from the inner sanctum of family to the power of politics. If women aren’t protected from physical and emotional harm, from financial insecurity and from inequity, then the system is in place for the children to endure the same.

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HOLA CHICAS!    

I am Consuelo Crosby –  born with both sides of my brain fighting for attention.. structural engineer & creative, mother & mentor, center of any spontaneous fiesta if I’ve had my morning latte… I give it all to being a 1st generation Peruvian badass chica!

So grateful you’re here today, wanting to shed that armor, relax into your truth, your value… pick up your salsa step, tune out what’s getting to you and be lifted from goddesses in generations past that taught us to live life large and out loud… cuz we’re not blending in… 

LIFE LNXX… knowledge you didn’t even know you had TO BE THE BADASS CHICA YOU WERE BORN TO BE!

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[Episode 7] 

Hola Chicas! 

Here it is, the Wednesday before the wedding and I am feeling all the feels of a mama about to witness her first born daughter marry the man she entrusts her heart and frailties to for a lifetime together.  Here in San Miguel de Allende, the gorgeous city in Mexico nestled against the hillside on a high desert plain, we will be witness to a couple that can rely on our support through the unknowns of life together.  After all the turmoil and sadness of the past 18 months, this moment is especially celebrated in gratitude and thanksgiving. 

For those of you who had signed up for the newsletter, I hope you enjoy the stories and pictures that may lure you here when you feel safe and are ready to travel again. We came with so many blessings from people from Mexico that I meet in my daily life. They regaled on the beauty of this city and the love of its people. They called it the best city to live on this planet and even with so much anticipation, the stories and my imagination did not do this beauty justice.  So much cultural immersion in color and charisma!

Women Make Difficult Choices Between Career & Family

I definitely have a wave of emotions, from happiness that makes me break into salsa steps and jump around the room like the punk rock dancers of the 80’s, to the sobbing that makes by body heave as the realization that we not only survived the decades of fending for ourselves, alone, but thrived against all the odds and neigh-sayers that told me I would fail as a single mom. But more than anything is the pride and gratitude; pride in facing my fears eye to eye and telling myself that I would do whatever it takes to dismantle this system that aims to break you and gratitude, immense gratitude in my daughters unwavering belief and faith in me. 

Public opinion tends to think women are emotional for living true to themselves, for sacrificing for children and family. Sacrifice is seen as a frailty, an inability to figure out how to operate towards wealth and letting humans interfere with the single track thinking of making more money. It’s why there is so little support for women and families in this country, from the inner sanctum of family to the power of politics. If women aren’t  protected from physical and emotional harm, from financial insecurity and from inequity, then the system is in place for the children to endure the same. 

But we know better. We assuredly know better. 

We are the mama bear to her cubs. If we are living fully, our hearts wide open and true, then our DNA kicks in, some deep biological trait that lives within our soul and prompts us to guard and teach without thinking. We navigate a manmade system built against us, and find the loopholes and the camaraderie to defy it and succeed in spite of it. Mothers do whatever is necessary to protect their children and keep moving forward so that they have options for their future and choices made on their terms.

That’s not to say we aren’t scared and unnerved at times. We mothers dig so deep to find more strength after we have already told ourselves we  used the last of it on a past resolved problem. We cry in the shower, we drive around the block to scream out our frustrations where no one can hear us, we pull all nighters in order to keep your days uninterrupted and we self-learn in order not to have to rely on anyone else, just in case. And sometimes, it still becomes too big for us and we teeter on collapse. 

Professional Working Mothers Are In the Weeds

This is the type of thing that we mamas don’t share with you, our next generation. We protect you from what scares us so that you can continue on in innocence for as long as our mothering walls can endure.  It’s a dance and a defense mixed into a daily attack from the world beyond our front door. It’s probably why women make better military commanders and astronauts. We know how to problem solve in a heart beat, needing no one else’s help but our own ingenuity and intent to succeed, regardless of the threats. 

And that’s not just for our own children, but for all the children in the world. Because a mother’s pain is tethered across every woman through heart strings that pull in empathy. We are a sisterhood, we are the Double X’s and we must unite to support each other across differences and difficulties. It is the world we are dedicated to creating for each generation of woman that follows because after all we have endured thus far, we do not want this imposed on our children, our grandchildren and their children after. 

I never thought about this growing up. I didn’t even like children, never babysat or dreamed of the day I would marry and have kids. This was likely because of my younger brother who was incessantly crying and disrupting the fun I had planned with my mother. I’m still not a baby person because I can’t have an interesting conversation with them. I much prefer teenagers with all their craziness and humor until they become self-focused and dramatic. Still, the kids that are born old souls, they are the most intriguing to me. It’s as though they hold the answers that we have lost across generations of humanity and we need to cull it from their little minds before they get filled with the nonsense of today and they forget all the answers. 

But it all came reeling into a new found focus the day I was preparing to go back to work after the birth of my first born, the little one that changed my life forever and made me a mother. The one who now is marrying and suddenly our lives seem intertwined spherically rather than linearly. Again, I wasn’t a baby mom so I had always intended to continue my engineering business. 

I had already been an independent contractor for years and thrived on the project opportunities. The most surreal project was completed just months before giving birth. I had designed the foundations of the five Oracle Flagship Headquarters buildings. Typically, foundations are not that complex but then these had the special need of spanning over the old whale tanks of the defunct Marine World theme park on the infamous Bay mud. Could you throw in anything more complex? The design demanded finite element analysis that translated to a mat slab,  several feet of concrete thick and tons of reinforcing. I loved every bit of it.

I can remember what I was wearing the day we placed the last beam on the last building. We call it the “Topping Off” day and everyone of importance was there, including Larry Ellison. I was 27 years old, on top of the world having been  a big part of an epic project, my baby belly bulging under a dark blue dress of white polka dots as I stepped alongside Mr. Ellison to sign the last beam. The vision of my immediate future was filled with meeting more of the game changers, designing their flagship buildings and creating the future that you know as your present day. 

Disability – What Maternity Leave

But instead, it came down to the day that I was calling my client, prepared to discuss coming back onto a project. My six weeks of “disability” were up – yep, disability. There was no such thing as maternity leave then, even if I was part of a larger firm. New mothers had to take State Disability in order to get paid for taking time off to give birth. I suppose there weren’t many women that wanted to go back to work anyway Mostly, having a child meant that you were transitioning from a working woman to housewife. So, all of you ladies born before the year 2000, don’t take it too personally that you  were considered an injury of sorts. 

I stood in the corner of my house that is all windows and looking down the street envisioning myself being back in the City, my little 6 week old daughter in the crook of my left arm, the “cordless” phone in my right hand, my practiced voice of calm quelling my enthusiasm to get back to something that made sense to me. And just as I was about to say “I will be back next week”, I looked down at my daughter, her big chocolate chip brown eyes looking at me and suddenly she seemed so tiny. 

In that gaze, something ethereal happened that woke up the hibernating mama bear DNA I didn’t even know I had. The idea that a total stranger would be responsible for nurturing this little one and keeping her safe was suddenly unacceptable and threatening. Handing her over to someone else when she couldn’t tell me what her day was like, how she felt about it or what she learned was suddenly outlandish. 

And what would she learn? Would someone recognize her innate personality, understand her strengths and frailties? Would they help her understand who she was born to be and be her strongest advocate? Could they build her arena to thrive in and still be protected? 

Or, would the nanny just feed her, make sure she was ok by the end of the day, fed and tucked into bed sleeping when I would come home from work, exhausted and grateful she was asleep so I could rest.. 

No, there was no way another person would know how to raise this little 6 week old to be the badass chica she was born to be. No other person than I. So instead of telling my client, “I’ll see you next week”, I ended up saying, “I’m not sure what I’m doing, but I will figure it out and let you know when I am available again.” 

Women Make Choices, Society Makes Women Sacrifice

This wasn’t a sacrifice, this was a choice. I knew I had the rest of my life to make more money and navigate another career. There were so many powerful women in my lifetime that had done it to great success. Georgia O’Keeffe was 60 when she began again and hit her public high in her 80’s.  Nancy Pelosi didn’t go into politics until she was 52 and all her children were raised. There would be plenty of opportunities for me later so I mustered faith that I would know what to do when the time came. 

But, my daughter, she only had one childhood. I’m a big believer in the power of an uninterrupted childhood where children can thrive in unknown and innocence, away from the constricts of the adult life, the things that make adults frustrated and tired. It made no sense to me that a 2 year old would have a longer work day than her parent after being dropped off at daycare before 8 and being picked up hurriedly by 7 at night. 12 hours in a place that wasn’t theirs. And even if I had someone come to the house, who would be there when my little daughter just needed to snuggle up next to me in bed for a little longer or wanted something special for breakfast, like animal pancakes. Oh yeah, I am the killer of making animal pancakes. Or want to me to go on safari with her in our hillside of weeds, plastic African animals in tow and singing The Lion King theme song at the top of our lungs. 

So, together, we worked from home, me at my drafting table, she at her little table, both drawing something equally important. I would take calls outside the house, adjacent to the wall that had the landline plugged in, yes, land line, outside of earshot of the Sesame Street dialogue going on inside but well within reach of a phone signal. There were no cell phones, there were no computers. Perhaps that was the biggest blessing of all. People could not expect to be able to reach you or have you jump at their request in the speed of a digital blink. 

Together we taught each other. I marveled at her photographic memory, her powerful ability to make connections between things never associated before, and her strategic discipline to manifest the creative vision in her head.  She picked up my advocacy for women’s rights and social justice, my passion for artistic expression through everything and my spontaneous wanderlust into the unknown. I don’t know where she got her need to follow rules, maybe her father or my mother, but certainly not from me. 

Women Make Choices, Society Makes Women Sacrifice

This wasn’t a sacrifice, this was a choice. I knew I had the rest of my life to make more money and navigate another career. There were so many powerful women in my lifetime that had done it to great success. Georgia O’Keeffe was 60 when she began again and hit her public high in her 80’s.  Nancy Pelosi didn’t go into politics until she was 52 and all her children were raised. There would be plenty of opportunities for me later so I mustered faith that I would know what to do when the time came. 

But, my daughter, she only had one childhood. I’m a big believer in the power of an uninterrupted childhood where children can thrive in unknown and innocence, away from the constricts of the adult life, the things that make adults frustrated and tired. It made no sense to me that a 2 year old would have a longer work day than her parent after being dropped off at daycare before 8 and being picked up hurriedly by 7 at night. 12 hours in a place that wasn’t theirs. And even if I had someone come to the house, who would be there when my little daughter just needed to snuggle up next to me in bed for a little longer or wanted something special for breakfast, like animal pancakes. Oh yeah, I am the killer of making animal pancakes. Or want to me to go on safari with her in our hillside of weeds, plastic African animals in tow and singing The Lion King theme song at the top of our lungs. 

So, together, we worked from home, me at my drafting table, she at her little table, both drawing something equally important. I would take calls outside the house, adjacent to the wall that had the landline plugged in, yes, land line, outside of earshot of the Sesame Street dialogue going on inside but well within reach of a phone signal. There were no cell phones, there were no computers. Perhaps that was the biggest blessing of all. People could not expect to be able to reach you or have you jump at their request in the speed of a digital blink. 

Together we taught each other. I marveled at her photographic memory, her powerful ability to make connections between things never associated before, and her strategic discipline to manifest the creative vision in her head.  She picked up my advocacy for women’s rights and social justice, my passion for artistic expression through everything and my spontaneous wanderlust into the unknown. I don’t know where she got her need to follow rules, maybe her father or my mother, but certainly not from me. 

Untethering From a Manmade System

I have no idea whatever blew me off track that day when she was 6 weeks old but I am eternally grateful for listening to my soul. I untethered myself from the manmade system of disability and forged one of my own without advocacy from my family or peers. We were definitely alone  in the wilderness, detached from the expectations of how a woman with children was supposed to act. No one I knew had the capacity to analyze  high rise buildings against catastrophic earthquakes and still be able to  sing the theme song to Wishbone, you remember him, that adorable Jack Russel Terrier that played out historical characters. Oh yeah, no one could relate.

Instead, I was inundated with “Your’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with a husband. Mine never takes out the garbage”. Or, “I’m so sorry that your daughter probably won’t go to college.” Excuse me, what? Because I took myself off the manmade system my children were bound to fail? 

It was an insane choice when I look back on it, but this was just one of the many moments when we moms are torn between what we think we want and what we want for you, our daughters. For my daughter, I  had to fight for a life that could be lived fully, on her terms without the restraints of parental expectations or societal stereotypes. There would be no choosing between record album artist or engineer, no expectations to iron shirts and clean bathrooms, no threat of not getting a partner unless you had the upright nose and wrinkle free face. 

And now, with her on the steps of marrying and creating a family of her own, I am torn between feeling that I can finally pass the baton over and yet, also the feeling that I am running out of time to teach her more, to give her all the secrets we women learn along the way. I worry that taking the path through the weeds was too intense and that our very different view of living this world was too much for a little one who liked rules. But most of all, I wonder if I sent her enough love notes.

Evolving into the Professional Woman

So, this is one more love note that I share from my heart, like so many other mothers. I share it with the love to fuel your soul and remind you that you are not alone in this world, at any age, regardless of what family you are from. We are a sisterhood and we must care for each other. Remember this when making your choices:

• Life is organic, you can put it into play but you cannot control the outcome.
  • Prepare yourself to accept any outcome knowing you did all you could at the time
• Let go of your pain from the past, it will prevent you from being present today 
  • You can’t be walking forward if you are always looking back
• You have the power and strength within you. 
  • Avoid letting others have power over you.
• Face your fears. 
  • They are never as scary as your imagination makes them out to be. 
• Love yourself deeply and out loud.
  • This gives others a guide of how to love you. 
• Be patient in finding the love you will fight to keep and who will fight to keep you
  • Wait for that blue-fin tuna
• The “one day” life just doesn’t happen ladies.
  • So start and then decide if it’s the right time to finish
• Life is long, if we are blessed.
  • Know the difference between must do and can do
• Act from the heart, decide from the brain.
  • People should never be a line item on your financial time or energy spreadsheet
• It’s ok to stop being strong. 
  • Curl up in someone’s lap and just be. 
• Never talk yourself out of a once in a lifetime chance.
  • They are just that, once in a lifetime.
• Stop packing your baggage. You always buy new clothes for your next adventure anyway!
  • You can’t carry it all with you. 
• Find your Females that dare you to be more and the ones that are beyond your daring
  • This places no limits on what you can become and gives you a beacon to head towards.
• Self love is not the same as self focus
  • Practice empathy… walk in another’s shoes without telling your version of their story.
• And know that as mothers, we do the best we can with what we are given… 
  • We know it falls short of what you needed but then, there is only one of us and we give you everything we have

One More Love Note to All the Ladies

Still, you’re born to be badass chicas, regardless of where we left off, and you make this world so much better just by being true to who you are. My hopes for this life skyrocket when I hear of your plans and determination. Your ideas and ways of getting it done. Your strength is amazing and I feel so empowered by your passion to create a different world for all of us. Each one of you has a unique story that makes me feel, gives me pause to embrace and to offer whatever support and encouragement I can in the moment we are together. It helps me realize when to step aside and follow you.

So, one more love note to all the badass chicas… to my daughter,  mi preciosa linda, to all the young ladies that have invited me in as one of their own and for those I have yet to meet:

• Without you, I would never have found my purpose, my passion,  to fight for a more just world for you, to demand respect for you, to ignite your confidence and cheer your successes; I will always believe in you.
• With you, life exploded beyond mediocrity from your fearlessness. I am in awe of you, the way you seize this life and make it your own, going  after what you want and redefining how life can be from now on.
• With you, my world is smaller, kinder because you are there for me, when no one else is.
• With you, I feel seen. You give me space to be me and love me for it, with all my faults and quirkiness that may cause the occasional eye rolls.
• With you, with us together, everything is possible from running in heels to catch the wine trolley to starting yet another business, from spontaneous exotic trips to fiestas with new friends, from epic success to determined survival. We come from badass matriarchy and we will nurture its expansion.
• You are my everything, my future, my past and my every day… your strength and intelligence humble me, your enthusiasm and faith inspire me, your silliness and laughter lighten me,  your empathy and kindness warm my soul. 

And most importantly, I love you with a power that swells up from within my soul, that has no boundaries and is free from my own ideas of what love should be. 

Thank you for trusting me, for having faith in me to understand who you are and most of all, thank you for letting me be your place of solace where you can curl up and stop being so strong, just for a moment.

To all the beautiful ladies out there, the badass chicas, remember you are loved and you are not alone. Gather knowledge from past generations, give homage to its struggles and teach the future who they come from. Rely on our empathy and life well-lived to help you navigate the unknown so you too can kick up your salsa heels and live life large!

And as I raise my heels, I also raise a glass in celebration of this beautiful moment and to all you ladies that are slaying it just by having the courage to be you!

I’m going to take the week off and sit in this moment and return to you September 8th with the next episode. Oh! That’s my wedding anniversary! Gosh, nothing but love spilling out of these episodes!

Salud!

Outro

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I really appreciate the time you take to rate and review the podcast. Get the backstory and what you’ve heard here today, and reach out to us at TheLnxx.com. That’s L N double X, because it’s about time, it’s about us. Stay in the groove on our social media @LifeLinks  and get ready to make your move, ladies. 

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